Match Report
Friday 29th to Sunday 31st July Bournemouth Tour
TOUR PARTY
Whale,Morrison,Clements,Chapman.N,Schultz,Paine,Paul,Grater,Lewis,Timms,Moyse,Ali.
Friday 29th July
With most of the party off work for the day, we were able to make our way to Dorset at our leisure, in varying modes of transport and at differing speeds.
The Skip chose Neil M for company and arrived via an A31 handbrake turn, just about in one piece, at seven o'clock. Having encountered Jim travelling in totally the wrong direction, guided by Gordon - his map reading on a par with his wicket-keeping- we had amalgamated for the remainder of the journey and were met on arrival by Steve L’s party, who had already ensured that they had nabbed the most desirable sleeping arrangements. This only left the long awaited arrival of the ‘hire car boys’ in their turbo charged dream machine. Eventually the suspense was answered with the appearance of the speedsters in GT’s V8 beefy Uno and wired into Tracey Chapman’s 'Fast Cars' - there was much glee. After we had revived Neil M from the stroke he had suffered through excessive chortling we departed for the Malt and Hops for an evening of joviality. We were not to be disappointed, with ‘Sam the Man’ providing enough entertainment to fill several seasons of Tarby’s 'Saturday Night at the Palladium’. Having first imbibed three pints of cider he proceeded to Curtley every member on the tour, punch the ceiling, insult Bill on his arrival -well he did something right- and then made the first of a never ending series of approaches to the girlies of Southbourne. His monopoly of the show was only challenged by the appearance of the scantily dressed Sabrina on the video juke-box.
Saturday 30th July
Not such a perky crowd emerged at the breakfast table for day two of the tour. Much shaking of heads and moans of 'Oh nooer' didn’t seem the ideal preparation for the first two events in the Victor Ludorum. At this moment we noticed the absence of Darren and Andy -spotted by the lack of ‘Norbert’ in conversations- but little concern was given to the possibility that they could be lying in a gutter somewhere. Unperturbed we made the short trip to Hengitsbury Head to do battle at Pitch and Putt. All ante-post betting on Kevin was fully justified as his early leader in the club house 31 was not surpassed by the chasing pack. The skip picked up second place, Gordon third and a posse of players shared five points in fourth place. Sam took the wooden spoon with a spate of cheating that had to be seen to be believed, but the general standard of play augers well for the projected Crusaders Golf Society Tournament.
Without further ado we moved off to Southbourne beach for event 2- Wrestling. Finding the tide in and very little beach available it was inevitable Neil C would be the first in the sea and indeed he was. The competition was a ‘stormer’ with the only real shock the progress of Neil C at the expense of Markey Paine, which was clinically avenged by a scathing attack in the surf. Kevin picked up third place with a rapid disposal of Neil, leaving the stage set for the Battle of the Bulge; Lewis versus Morrison, An epic best of five bout was eventually decided by a Scrotum Throw that rendered Neil mute and completely immobile. With Kevin firmly installed at the head of the leader board we travelled to Meyrick Park for our first game of the tour; Special mention to Glen Timms for a very nice costume.
Sunday 30th July –v- Lloyds Bowmakers at Meyrick Park
All the local press hype brought a bumper crowd flocking to get a glimpse of the notorious Crusaders - at one stage I counted 23- fully expecting a cricketing classic. They were not to be disappointed! The toss was won and Lloyds installed at the wicket.
After an early wicket it was clear that the Webby jinx was on us once again as the score mounted steadily without the bowlers getting any just returns. With the Lloyds opener batting well for fifty the tail wagged its way to a final score of 151, with Sam the pick of the bowlers returning 5-38. A good start was needed but tight bowling ensured that it was not easily acquired and with the loss of three early wickets and the appearance of a defensive field the game petered into a tame draw. Darren once more showed why he is probably the most boring batsman in the world, scoring 31 in a huge number of balls.
Very little was or indeed could be said in post-match so we all pissed off to the Malt & Hops to get slaughtered, without even saying goodbye. That’s the sort of bastards we are on tour!
Pen pictures
Mark Paine -Picked up three catches and was unfortunately out to a fine c&b
Spud Whale -Got bowled behind his legs and then impersonated Nigel for the rest of the game
Darren Moyse - Annoyed Mr Prudent and bowled Webby - absolutely marvellous
Glen Timms -Got too wound up for his own good and put his back out.
Steve Lewis -Sensible knock to ensure no collapse.
Neil Chapman - Ridiculous
Neil Morrison - Wasted three minutes of his and our time.
Jim Clements -Seems to have learnt the concept of the draw and actually played defensively.
Gordon Schultz -Got hit just about everywhere and looked pretty miserable.
Kevin Gibson -Ambled around dreaming about his lead in the Victor Ludorum
Sam Ali -Bowled extremely fast and was almost as lairy as Mr Prudent.
Having suitably upset the oppo, we knew we had in Sam the perfect tool to annoy a large number of the population of Southbourne. After several rebuffs however Sam in no state to continue his antics of the previous night and retired to the corner of the pub, waiting in eager anticipation for the girlie in the leathers to chuck up the five or six pints of lager she had consumed. At the end of a number of silly games and piss taking out of ‘GT’s Grandad’ the young lady willingly obliged, gushing the contents of her stomach all over the pub floor; a fitting end to a fabulous day.
