Match Report
Sunday 16 May -v- New Eltham at Castaways, New Eltham.
A depleted looking team, deprived of the talents of Farmer, The Grey B'stard and 'Play when I feel like it' Lewis, made the short trip to engage in a first fixture with New Eltham. I almost forgot - Billy Webb was also missing due to a prior engagement at Craven Cottage with Jimmy Hill, Alan Hansen, the entire Oxford and Cambridge Boat Crews, Brendan Batson and several other notable footballers that have never played for Everton. Fortunately our incredibly deep resources could cope with such a loss, as Messrs Clark, 132 DT, Trevillion and Merv, ably filled the gap.
In memory of mis-spent Maths lessons, Spud persevered with his Theory of Probability, which states that, eventually, a coin tossed in the air will fall heads up. Never one to trust theories we again were put in and questions asked of our batting. Against a moderate attack, Darkie and Chuckles cemented a solid foundation to the innings, putting on 61 for the opening wicket, before John’s patience finally buckled. As with many great partnerships, once one goes the other is quick to follow. Mark attempting to repeat a pulled six, fell to a catch of nonchalant brilliance nine short of fifty. Gordy joined Neil "Even fatter after his holiday" Clark at the wicket and immediately launched into a one-man assault on some poor old chaps last bowl of his life. Rash impetuosity took care of Coco and brought about the long awaited return to Crusader colours of DT Roberts. Neil was again forced to sit back and admire some dashing stroke play, as Graham showed exactly what we have missed. Making Barry Gale look like something from the MCC Coaching Manual, he amassed the majority of his score through the same five yard arc of the boundary. After a stand of 43, both ‘Halifaxers’ were dismissed in quick succession, before the introduction of an airy spinner showed that few had learned lessons from last week. From the relative comfort of 126-3 we collapsed to the very edge at 147-9, before the experienced rearguard of Nobby and Noskin rectified matters with a record breaking last wicket stand of 46. Deprived of one element of his normally potent openers, the skip turned to Carlman Schultz to pitch in with his tweakers. He and Dead Sperm rattled tidily through their allotted overs, ensuring that we remained in the ascendancy. Spud, electing to bowl to the short boundary, produced an array of 'popping turners', before breaking through with a cunningly flighted long hop. Meanwhile minus distinguished handle-bar moustache, Merv Wilsdon was taking advantage of the wind and slope, to roar in a la usual sluggish manner. With the skip popping up all over the proverbial shop, taking match winning catches at will, New Eltham’s valiant challenge finally died. The only sour note to the day was provided by Nancy Timms bowling bumpers at a ten year old because he had hurt his fingers –Pathetic.
