Match Report
Sunday 19 May –v- Swanscombe and Greenhithe at Swnascombe Rec
The late withdrawal of Fanny Timms with a split nail, left us reduced to a ten man team for the short trip to Swanscombe. After a farcical journey, that involved following Steve Lewis towards his flat (allegedly to get his boots, but more likely to find trousers with a bigger arse fitting) we eventually stumbled upon the ground, having realised that none of us had any recollection of previous visits. First opinions on the ground were of a wide expanse of parkland battered by howling winds from the Thames. On closer inspection we became aware that it was much worse. Several of our side were taking the waters in the clubs bar, whilst socialising happily with the proliferation of n’er do wells and interbreds that seemed attracted to the area. Tubby again took the captains armband and on calling correctly opted for an early dose of Double-pneumonia, asking our hosts to bat first. With enough jumpers to stock a small branch of the Sweater Shop, we endeavoured to whittle out the oppo as quickly as possible. Due to the relentless drizzle, the pitch was both slow and spongy and as is the norm our dynamic pace duo, used everything they knew to exact the maximum pace from it. After an over or so each, the skip had seen enough and turned to spin. Big arse was the obvious choice to bowl into the teeth of the gale, with his bulky form cutting efficiently through the wind, whilst the sylph-like figures of Whale and Wilsdon were able to operate with the wind at their backs. Swanscombe’s openers, having gorged themselves on the rich pickings offered by Moyse and Clements, now had to rely on pinching the odd single, allied with some suicidal running between the wickets. It did not take long to realise that the running was not so risky as it seemed, when twice we had valid run out appeals declined by the spotty adolescent umpire. He also gave a ridiculous wide against the Ex-nob -not that he allowed it to upset him.
Gluteus Lewis breached the enemy line, after what seemed an eternity, cunningly luring the opener into a pull shot to a ball that hadn’t quite got there. After this ball ruled bat for much of the remainder of the session, with Gordy and Lardy helping themselves to two and three wickets respectively. The inclement conditions were still to have the last laugh however, with Spud cruelly robbed of a richly deserved second wicket, due to a sudden Arctic squall snatching away what looked to be a routine caught and bowled. As generous as ever, we sent down 45 overs in the session with our hosts returning a respectable 162 for 8 at tea. The tea was a splendid round the table affair, only spoilt by Danglers obsession with cunnilingus ,involving the delving of his tongue into a jam scone that had been daubed in fish paste(evidently for authenticity). Our response floundered from the moment Steve L was bizarrely caught and bowled, flicking the ball off his toe. Our top order performed a splendid version of the Marie Celeste; disappearing with out trace into the Swanscombe equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle, A rapidly recruited Ian Morrison delivered some much needed entertainment with some tip and run beach cricket that bewitched our oppo for nearly a quarter of an hour (how important that time elapsed was to be).Only Jim, who had been promoted up the order to make sure he got out and Tubby skip made any great fist of knocking up the required total. Any harboured thoughts of an improbable victory, were dashed at Neil’s dismissal, but Jim combined sound defence with the more cavalier elements of his natural game, to record a well deserved maiden fifty. In a no-win situation, with nine wickets down, who could any one wish for more than Gordy and Chris. The master exponent of the dead-bat, Chris was rock-like in his stalwart defence, whilst CoCo at the other end was teasing late-cuts through a five man slip cordon and stepping flamboyantly across his stumps mimicking IVA Richards. Back in the warmth of the bar, you could cut the tension with a knife. Was Jim going to get his wallet out? If so, would it contain any money?
