Match Report
Sunday 26 April -v- Brasted Invicta at Valence School.
A Friday night cry-off from Barry ‘reliable’ Warne necessitated the late introduction of Ex Navy Service Star Neil Morrison to bolster a formidable looking eleven. The arranged midday meet in The Cricketers was ignored – as usual – and eventually a full team materialised at one o’clock. A short drive to Brasted gave us enough time for a quick pint (with optional bar billiards) and not wishing to alter our impeccable reputation, we arrived with minutes to spare, finding time for a quick burst of Aussie Rules Football to ensure a late start.
On a perfect day we lost the toss and were asked to field. Our lively pace duo Moyse and Timms, opened up on a pitch playing slightly quicker than the Death March. Darren seemed to have trouble finding line, length or anything vaguely resembling the art of bowling and was keeping Gary and Neil very busy with swinging deliveries that moved from just outside leg stump to even further outside leg stump. Obviously confused by this tactic, the openers were soon dismissed unable to deal with Glen’s straight ball. Darren finally started bowling at the stumps, coinciding with the scoreboard moving, so was immediately replaced by Steve Lewis. Steve bowling some Right-Arm something or others, proceeded to whittle out the middle-order and with it Brasted’s last resistance. Excellent vocal support from Karen and some distracting rambling in the foliage by Sharon, undoubtedly contributed to our hosts total of just 55.
With Tea not ready, Gary and Mark strolled purposely to the crease under the watchful eye of Umpires ‘Trigger’ Whale and Lewis. A confident opening stand was ended when Mark was caught at Mid-On trying to wing a pigeon, with the score on 22. Simon ‘played himself in’ by hitting the first ball he faced straight into – and fortunately out again – of the Square- Leg fielder’s hands. Meanwhile Gary, whose sole it appeared was to lose the ball, was compiling a good knock with an assortment of aerial shots. Simon eventually got bored and patted the ball to second slip, which instigated the inevitable Middle-Order collapse. First to go was Danny Worth; a trifle miffed to be given out to a ball that hit middle stump, followed quickly by Neil Chapman for a singular contribution and Big Brother Gary for a fine 32.
This quick-fire action brought together Morrison and Moyse to see the side safely to a five wicket victory; jubilantly we retired to the Karen and Sharon Mobile Bar for well earned refreshment. Tea - well that’s what they called it – was served and a Beer Match arranged.
To add insult to injury we restricted them to 62 with an attacking cordon of eight slip fielders. Fine bowling from Mark ‘Dead Eyes’ Paine, allied with razor-sharp fielding from Glen ‘I’ll just amble after that’ Timms and Gary ‘Bucket hands’ Chapman left us a comfortable target, which was achieved despite some bizarre run outs, with some lusty blows from Spud and Darren.
A swift game of Aussie Rules and a bout of ‘Who can hurt Neil C the most’ killed the necessary gap before opening time, before we adjourned to the Stanhope Arms to find our hosts deep into a Post Mortem. Seemingly uninterested in entertaining us, Crusaders returned to the Kings Arms, where the Give us a Break Machine was fleeced - Spirits were high for a good season.
Pen Pictures
Gary Chapman - an excellent innings was unfortunately spoilt by his futile attempt at being a Michael Jackson lookalike.
Mark Paine - showed more interest in mounting donkey’s than compiling runs.
Simon Grater - took great delight in beating Neil and making two finger gestures.
Danny Worth - still seemed confused by his early dismissal, wondering why he wasn’t offered a doggies chance.
Neil Chapman - maintained his fine batting reputation. Quote ‘I didn’t think he would hit it there’ as the ball went narrowly past.
Neil Morrison - put off their most boring player by bringing a beer can on to the pitch - Scored first ever run.
Darren Moyse - didn’t seem too interested at all; so bored in fact that he finished the game with a nonchalant six.
Glen Timms - featured in one of the appalling run outs thus forcing him to wear the 'Duck Hat'.
Spud Whale - skippered magnificently and wrote this match report.
Andy Paul - the subject of some A.paulling fielding.
Steve Lewis - bowled well but will persist in wearing ridiculous American football shirts.
Karen Morrison - supported admirably and kept a well-stocked bar.
Sharon – Offered rowdy vocal support likely to bring the game into disrepute - also involved in unsporting behaviour in the foliage.
