Match Report
Sunday 28 April –v- Brasted Invicta at Valence School
In the absence of the great one, Neil Clark led us into the new season, with our customary trip to Brasted. Alan Chowdhry made his club debut, joining an ever increasing band of debutant ducks. The majority of the side saw fit to meet at the pre-arranged assembly time in the Queens Head, with the notable exception of Makker, whose wife has continued a peculiar fetish for clothes shredding, leaving him no alternative but to darn one of his Nan’s tablecloths into a shirt. We arrived in dribs and dregs, with some members unable to avoid the lure of the Bull at Brasted on route. There followed some extensive warming up involving both small and large ball games, before we learnt of Tubby’s decision to put the home side in to bat. Our opening attack consisted of "Has-been" Moyse, trying to bowl as fast as Steve Martin and "Never will-be" Clements thrilling us with his fabulous new run-up - Yes - Christmas had come very early for Brasted’s openers
After what seemed an age of bat banishing ball to the distant undergrowth, Moysey eventually deceived the blind opener (Sorry he was deaf) with his even slower ball, following that with a first ball dismissal of the opposition skipper. His ‘hat-trick’ ball merely underlined the good luck he had experienced from the previous two deliveries. The deceptive down slope at the other end was apparently causing Jim all sorts of problems on his new approach to the wicket, with his oh so fluent fifteen yard run up eventually giving way to the more familiar two yard stutter. Eventually even his car companion chum - the skip- could stand no more and introduced Timmo to the fray. Alas the Twyford’s continued to be served up, highlighted by a splendid dropped return dolly.
Some semblance of order was restored, with an unbroken stand between Tubby and Darth that allowed us to coast to our target, with a full six overs to spare. With much to debate we adjourned to The Lamb, where the talk turned away from cricket and on to the subject of Sports bras. Chris elected himself as Fines Chair and was correctly fined for his cheek. Back at HQ I discovered that my speech had become slurred and incoherent, but fortunately I was able to have a perfectly reasonable conversation with Bill and for the first time could actually understand what he was saying.
PRESS COMPLAINTS COMMITTEE RULING LEWIS -v- THE PAPARAZZI
The commission investigated a complaint concerning comments made in the previous issue of The Crusader, which Mr Lewis felt were an unfair sleight, on both the size of his posterior and the attractiveness of his penis (or was it the other way round). Whilst recognising the sensitivity of the issue, the commission cited the paparazzi’s long established reputation for accurately reflecting the opinions of its readership. The commission was satisfied that The Crusader bore no personal malice towards Mr Lewis and thus found in their favour. On the basis of its findings, the commission recommends that Mr Lewis embarks on a more healthy style of living, to reduce his sizable rear end and makes use of the marvels of modern day cosmetic surgery to correct his other delicate problem.
